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Post by Warork on Aug 28, 2016 20:16:11 GMT
Really digging the cameos of the old characters and seeing how they're connected to the new ones here. Very interesting.
Also I can already tell Captain orkskull and Chaplain nofun are gonna be a riot. "Coward's method" pffft...you mean the smart method?
Only nitpick I have is that this chapter is formatted all weird but that's easily fixable.
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Post by Deadshot on Aug 30, 2016 9:25:24 GMT
Really digging the cameos of the old characters and seeing how they're connected to the new ones here. Very interesting. Also I can already tell Captain orkskull and Chaplain nofun are gonna be a riot. "Coward's method" pffft...you mean the smart method? Only nitpick I have is that this chapter is formatted all weird but that's easily fixable. Glad you're enjoying it Warky, the cameos arereally fun to put in, I like building complex relationship webs so glad its well recieved! Yeah, the formating is kinda strange, like I said before I type into Word and do Ctrl+C/V, so its quite hit or miss, especially when adding in Italics like I have here (as I need to put the coding in after I paste it)
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Post by Deadshot on Sept 4, 2016 19:47:10 GMT
Hey there fellas,
Unfortunately, I must regretfully say that Chapter 4 will be delayed slightly. How long this will be I can't say but I've got a good chunk of it written and hope to finish it in a few hours. I am currently in the process of getting packed up for going back to uni and I also took a trip to the zoo with my family yesterday so that delayed me a lot. On that note, next weekend I'm moving into my new place so I'm probably looking at a delay there as well, but hopefully not if I can get things written during the week.
Really sorry to skimp here guys but hopefully I can finish it later tonight or at the latest tomorrow! Please stay tuned for updates!
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Post by Darko on Sept 5, 2016 14:02:26 GMT
Take your time Deadshot, it's a busy time of year for most of us so we understand.
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Post by Deadshot on Sept 5, 2016 20:28:23 GMT
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Post by TheBrobotLol on Sept 10, 2016 14:19:56 GMT
First, I'd like to apologise for not taking a look in; I've been very busy these last couple years and haven't had any real time for this site.
However, I must say I'm finding this far better than I woud have expected, owing to a interesting writing style and varied characterizations; you've certainly done a good job of establishing and distinguishing each character with relatively little introduction required. Ecchoing the sentiment of other, while I do have quite a few gaps in my memory pertaining to Deathwatch, I remember it was interesting, often (unintentionally) humorous and absurd, while also managing to carry real weight when it mattered. On the other hand, it did get really stupid at some points, and got bogged down each and every mission on the characters picking schoolyard fights with one other (Read: killing babies). Like Warork mentioned earlier, I do find it a little dubious that Gernhart would go down in history as this legendary killteam, when in reality they'd likely end up dead within the week.
In short, I'm interested in seeing where this goes in the future and will surely be reading wht comes next.
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Post by halonachos on Sept 12, 2016 1:44:04 GMT
So one thing I noticed is something I also have a shit ton of issues with, repetition. For example this sentence: "Almost immediately Renzo felt the weight of the hammer tugging on his arms, his arms dropping several inches... "
We know his arms are being affected by the hammer already because the weight is tugging on them, but to get a better grasp on jut how heavy it is you can say "his arms, lowering them by several inches" or "his arms, forcing them down by several inches" or even "his arms, crushing them down by several inches". Crushing would be the most extreme but a "crushing force" is indeed an incredibly heavy one.
Also some sentences can be condensed and again changed to avoid repetition. Velvet is used twice but maybe using a description of velvet in place of the second use would work. For example color, feel of the material, etc. Velvet is typically soft and luxurious and can be many colors.
"The pair continued on their footsteps muffled by the thick velvet covering the floor. The warm glow of the candles caught the filigree details on the pillars and walls. Eventually, they came before a massive oak door. Killian halted before the door and stepped out of Renzo’s path. The Blood Raven walked past him and pushed open the door to the Reclusium. The room was surprisingly bare. No gold or velvet adorned the cold, grey stone. The only light came from a candle burning at the foot of the statue at the front."
We want the room to be described as simple, plain, humble, etc. "The air continued on, their footsteps muffled by the thick velvet covering the floor. The warm glow of the candles emphasized the filigree on the pillars and walls(filigree is an ornamental detail so we don't have to say detail detail). The pair found themselves before a massive oak door(we know that they're at an obstacle), Killian gave way as Renzo walked past and opened the door to the Reclusium. Unlike the hall before the Reclusium was bare, no precious metals nor soft vermillion(crimson, whatever color) cloth adorned the cold, grey stone. A single burning candle at the foot of a statue provided the only respite from the dark.
"The pair continued on their footsteps muffled by the thick velvet covering the floor. The warm glow of the candles caught the filigree details on the pillars and walls. Eventually, they came before a massive oak door. Killian halted before the door and stepped out of Renzo’s path. The Blood Raven walked past him and pushed open the door to the Reclusium. The room was surprisingly bare. No gold or velvet adorned the cold, grey stone. The only light came from a candle burning at the foot of the statue at the front."-94 words
versus
"The pair continued on, thick velvet muffled their footsteps as incandescent light from candles emphasized the filigree on the pillars and walls. The pair found themselves before a massive oak door, Killian stepped aside for Renzo to open the door of a dimly lit room. Unlike the hall before, the Reclusium was bare, no gold nor luxurious cloth adorned the cold, grey stone. A single burning candle at the foot of a statue provided the only respite from the dark."-80 words
It's simplicity and also begging the reader to make some kind of connection based on the context of the story so far. They are walking, there is a door and seeing as the door is closed that means they cannot walk much further. Saying that it opened into a room means that the next sentence will most likely describe the room because it is the last noun of the previous sentence and even then it can be rewritten.
"The Reclusium starkly juxtaposed the hall before, no gold nor luxurious cloth adorned the cold, grey stone. A single burning candle at the foot of a statue provided the only respite from the dark" will make it 78 words for a total difference of 16 words. That's about a whole sentence's worth of words.
My greatest piece of advice would be to try to consolidate phrases or descriptions into single words, incandescence refers to the glow and warmth a light source is providing and sounds snazzy to boot. Like I said this is something I suck at when writing, but I sure as hell can pick it out on any verbal reasoning tests. Didn't study for my medical exam and got an 11/15 in verbal reasoning, highest score I got out of the three sections and context clues in passages are a big thing. Incorporate the need for context clues into your writing, don't spoon feed the reader but don't give them gravel to chew on either.
Would try to avoid having Renzo think out how he feels, when describing the loss of empathy you can say that Renzo was dismayed at the change in Droston's empathy. If we know that Renzo is an empathetic character we would be able to figure out that Droston has lost empathy. Otherwise looks and sounds good.
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Post by Deadshot on Apr 12, 2017 11:52:10 GMT
Hi Warork, Deadshot, Darko, TheBrobotLol, halonachos ! Sorry to be taking an unexpected hiatus (again!), turns out full-time uni, part time work, full time alcoholism, Mary Juwanas and relationships take a great deal of time and energy away from creativity! So, apologies for the 7 month break, time really does fly up North, but hopefuly you'll be pleased to know I'll be picking this back up in the next few weeks as responsibilities lessen slightly. I plan to do at least a chapter a month from now on, as a lesser goal than 1 a week! Hopefully that's something you all will look forward to and enjoy and I am really stoked to get writing again! TheBrobotLol halonachos, special apologies for not addressing you're feedback earlier. I did type something long ago that has long since been lost, so, in short, thank you very much for the feedback and the kind words, I'm really please you're enjoying it as well Brobot! I will most definitely take that feedback into account (particularly on repetition, good shout!) and everyone elses for the next chapters. I will warn they will be a bit less active than the previous few chapters but hopefully I can get through those quickly and down to the nitty gritty dirty, dank and grimdark futuristic Xenophobic killing spree we all love!
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Post by Darko on Apr 13, 2017 11:08:50 GMT
Good to have you back! I look forward to reading the next installment.
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Post by TheBrobotLol on Apr 28, 2017 13:51:50 GMT
Good to hear dude, important to have a set of clear priorities. As always, looking forward to the continuation; seven months or seven years, we'll be glad to see what you've cooked up.
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